


Mourning

by flooj9235



Series: Rebuilding [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Funerals, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Relationship, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 02:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5357927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flooj9235/pseuds/flooj9235
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before rebuilding begins, humanity needs to mourn their dead.  That never mattered to Jack before, but then again, she'd never lost one of her kids before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mourning

Jack couldn’t move. Her muscles were aching with the need to, but she felt paralyzed.

The Alliance flag hung solemnly over their heads, the air thick and still.

The dress jacket Jack wore felt far too constricting and her skin crawled with the need to do something. Her eyes were locked on the wall in front of the crowd, full of names of the fallen. Some officer Jack didn’t care about was speaking, droning on and on about sacrifice and some other bullshit. It didn’t matter, none of it did. Somewhere up there on that wall was one of her students’ names. Jack clenched her fists. It should have been her.

Everyone rose for the Alliance anthem, and Jack managed to stand still for all of half a second. She swore under her breath and shouldered past Prangley, jammed her fists into her pockets, and stormed out of the assembly.

She made it outside and to the nearest alley before she couldn’t restrain herself anymore. Her biotics exploded to life around her, a crackling blue field of grief. Jack ripped her hands out of her pockets and thrust them toward a wrecked skycar.

She crushed it effortlessly, aching for the satisfaction that usually accompanied the crunching sounds of destruction. It didn’t come and Jack let out a wordless yell. She ripped her hands apart, the mangled skycar mirroring the action as it flew to pieces.

Jack laid waste to the already-ruined street, ripping apart anything and everything she could. She was only vaguely aware of the tears streaking down her face and the tightness of her chest. She spent what felt like an eternity crushing rubble into dust and taking out her grief on the concrete and steel.

Her biotics finally sputtered and Jack dropped her hands to her sides. She took a deep, shuddering breath and scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. “Fuck,” she rasped, her voice hoarse from the ragged cries she’d been unable to keep inside.

“Ma’am?”

The quiet voice made Jack wheel around, half ready to attack the intruder. Her eyes landed on Rodriguez and her instinct to fight faded, quickly replaced with concern.

The girl was wringing her hands, her face downcast. She tried to speak a few times, but couldn’t seem to muster the words. “Sorry,” Rodriguez managed after a moment. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Jack shook some of the lingering tension out of her hands and exhaled. “I was done anyway.” She studied her student for a moment, practically able to feel the grief coming off Rodriguez, and opened her mouth to say something. Jack paused, words sticking in her throat. Apparently it didn’t fucking matter that one of her kids was obviously hurting, Jack still couldn’t figure out how to talk about feelings. She tried again, then settled for rolling her shoulders until she could work up the courage to speak. “What’s up?”

Rodriguez swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I just…” Her eyes watered and she avoided Jack’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

Jack blinked. “... What?”

Rodriguez clenched her hands into fists and struggled to speak. “It was my fault. Reiley… He was trying to protect me. I was—I… my barriers dropped, and he… he tried to protect me and…” She choked on a sob and wiped at her eyes. “It’s my fault.”

Jack could only stare as the girl before her started crying in earnest. The words didn’t even make sense; it was Jack’s fault that Bellarmine was dead. She hadn’t been fast enough or good enough or… enough. “No,” she managed after a few moments too long. “No, just…”

Rodriguez held her breath, trying to stifle her tears. She shook her head and exhaled shakily. “I didn’t want you to blame yourself, ma’am. It’s—I’m sorry.”

“Fuck that!” Jack snapped. She and Rodriguez both cringed at the sharpness of her tone, and the professor faltered a bit. “It wasn’t your fault,” Jack said slowly. “Look, I’m…” Jack swallowed and wished Shepard was there. The commander always seemed to know the best thing to do.

She tried to speak a few more times, failing to get more than a few muddled syllables out of her mouth. Helplessness settled back over her shoulders, and Jack wished she could run away.

Rodriguez choked back a fresh sob, wrapping her arms around herself.

Something in Jack snapped at the sight of her anguished student, and she stepped closer and clapped a hand on Rodriguez’s shoulder. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, and Jack grappled for something to do as Rodriguez started to cry in earnest.

A vague memory of Shepard pulling Tali’Zorah into a hug on the _Alarei_ flashed through Jack’s mind, quickly followed by flickers of her own past, trapped in her cell and desperately wishing for any comfort anyone could give. The professor swallowed hard and focused on her student, her kid, and followed Shepard’s example.

Jack wrapped her arms around Rodriguez and held the girl close. For a second, Jack worried she was doing it wrong somehow, but then Rodriguez sagged against her and hugged her back, sobbing into Jack’s shoulder.

The professor ignored her instinctual reaction to jerk away from the physical contact. Her student needed her, and if Jack was going to be perfectly honest, it was comforting to have the girl in her arms, to feel that one her kids was alive. She swallowed hard and wished she could have another chance with Bellarmine, just to tell him how proud she was, and some other touchy-feely bullshit like a hug.

It took a while for Rodriguez to calm herself down, and she pulled away from Jack and sniffled an apology.

Jack shook her head and tried to dismiss the words, but her voice caught. She gave Rodriguez’s shoulder a squeeze instead, vaguely wishing she could do something, kill something, to make it stop hurting.

The young woman before her wiped at her eyes and tried to look up at Jack, but couldn’t maintain eye contact. She cleared her throat and let out a shaky breath. “I… sorry, ma’am. I’ll… I’m gonna go back inside.” She backed away, then turned and went back into the building, no doubt in search of her classmates.

Jack watched her go, hating the sad slump of Rodriguez’s shoulders. She was the adult, she should be able to do something, anything, to ease her kid’s pain. Jack wheeled around and tried for another biotic outburst, but the shimmering blue fields flickered and sputtered out almost instantly. Jack snarled and nearly started crying out of sheer frustration.

The crunch of footsteps behind her made Jack freeze, and she swallowed hard and turned around. She was expecting Rodriguez again, or maybe one of her other kids. Instead, she found none other than Miranda Lawson looking at her uncertainly.

Jack stared at her stupidly, feeling a little like her brain was short circuiting. Miranda cut a sharp figure in Alliance dress blues, looking almost regal. Even in post apocalyptic situations, she still looked like a goddess, probably thanks to her perfect genetics. The furrow between her eyebrows and the uneasy twist of her mouth was just enough to ruin the image, and Jack forced herself to quit looking at Miranda. “The fuck do you want, cheerleader?” Jack ground out hoarsely.

Miranda hesitated, then tried to speak. She faltered before she could even get a syllable out, and her eyes flicked between Jack and the ground. “I… I saw you—your student come outside, and I thought… I… erm. They must be taking it hard.”

Jack nearly rolled her eyes, but settled for a stiff nod.

Miranda exhaled sharply and stepped away. “I should— I’m sorry, I’ll just…” She turned and started to go back inside.

“How’d you know she was mine?”

The former Cerberus operative paused and turned to look at Jack again. Her face was hesitant, almost afraid, and it took her a moment to speak. “After the Reapers fell, I followed the survivors to the nearest base. I passed through the hospital, and your students were there waiting for…” Her cheeks went slightly pink, and Miranda grappled for something to say. “I saw the Grissom uniform and connected the dots,” she finished lamely.

Jack knew there was something Miranda wasn’t saying, but she didn’t care enough to pursue it. She shrugged and looked away, trying to shield her red eyes from Miranda’s gaze. “That’s them.”

Miranda nodded slowly. “How are they coping?”

The tattooed professor thought about Rodriguez sobbing in her arms and the tension she kept seeing in Prangley’s jaw. Her chest ached a little and she exhaled. “They’re… things’re fuckin’ shitty right now, but they’re tough. They’ll be okay.”

“They?” Miranda echoed, frowning a bit. “What about you?”

Jack shot the brunette a sullen glare. “Thought you were asking about the kids.”

Miranda’s cheeks pinked again, and she opened her mouth to retort, but Jack cut her off.

“People die. It’s shit. What the fuck ever, right?” Her voice cracked on the last few words, and Jack hated herself for it. She wanted to destroy something again, just to try and ease the pain, but she knew she didn’t have the energy. Her muscles crawled with emotion, and after a moment her resolve snapped. She picked up a rock and flung it down the alley with as much force as she could muster. Jack growled and ran her hands through her hair, pulling at it to try and ground herself.

She needed to not think. Or at least to not think about this. Jack refused to break down crying like a pussy, especially in front of Miranda. She desperately grappled for something to talk about, latching onto the first thing that crossed her mind. "Your sister," Jack croaked. “How’s your sister?”

The former operative was quiet for a moment, confusion evident on her face when Jack looked up at her.”I… she’s safe. She disguised a message as high priority and sent it out as soon as the Alliance had established emergency communications.”

“Smart,” Jack said.

“She is,” Miranda agreed softly, pride softening her voice.

Jack thought back to the rescue mission on Illium a lifetime ago. She remembered the first time Miranda met her sister face to face, watching the icy operative shaking with fear as she walked across the platform toward Oriana. It was the first Jack had ever realized Miranda was more than the Cerberus logo on her shoulder, that the brunette was human.

It was strange, Jack realized. The two of them had been the most unfeeling people on the Normandy, refusing all semblance of friendship to protect themselves, and now they were both feeling almost too much. The pride and love radiating off of Miranda was almost blinding, and Jack was nearly drowning in guilt.

The professor chuckled bitterly, instantly reminded of the laughter that would fill her classroom whenever Bellarmine cracked a joke. Her chest cramped with grief all over again, and Jack struggled to rein in her emotions.

“Do you want to go back inside?” Miranda offered uncertainly, her voice quiet and almost gentle.

Jack thought of the stifling auditorium, filled with people mourning, and the name on the memorial that would haunt her forever. She shook her head and rolled her shoulders under her jacket, trying to loosen up. “I want to get drunk,” she decided. “You wanna join me?”

Miranda hesitated, then declined politely. “The Alliance is relying on me. I’m one of their top officers, and the coordination of the rebuilding falls mostly to me.”

Jack rolled her eyes. “Control freak.”

“Arse.”

“Bitch.”

“Degenerate.”

“Hey, I’m respectable now. Got kids looking up to me and everything.”

Miranda smirked. “Just what the galaxy needs: more foul-mouthed biotics with a penchant for name calling.”

Jack grinned a little at the familiar banter. “Fuck you, we’re awesome.”

The former operative’s eyes lingered on Jack, her smirk fading and giving way to an expression that was mostly a confused frown. She shook herself and glanced over her shoulder, then cleared her throat. “I should go,” she decided. Her eyes returned to Jack’s, something foreign in the icy blue of her gaze. “I’m sorry about Bellarmine, Jack,” she murmured.

Jack nodded, a lump rising in her throat. She watched Miranda turn and walk away, then listened to the silence of the alley for a few moments. Jack exhaled, then made her way back to the auditorium. She looked inside, trying to catch a glimpse of her kids.

They were standing together, all looking downcast, but talking and supporting each other. They were a team, they knew how to handle themselves, and there was no doubt in Jack’s mind that they would be okay. Still, it soothed her raw mind to see her kids coming together to comfort each other.

Jack walked away, heading for the Alliance base she and her kids were calling home. She stopped at the makeshift bar just outside the camp and got a bottle of the strongest alcohol they had to offer. Jack threw a few credits across the counter, then trudged to her barracks. She threw herself onto her bed and drained the bottle, letting the drink burn down her throat.

Jack stretched out and sighed, closing her eyes and waiting for the alcohol to help put her to sleep. She let her mind drift, aching at the thoughts of Bellarmine that tormented her. She fought off emotion for a few moments, but finally allowed herself a few tears since no one else was around. Her mind grew fuzzy as she began to succumb to the emotional drain and fading warmth of the alcohol, and Jack barely registered the memory of Miranda’s concerned gaze before she fell asleep.


End file.
